Audience

Three-wheeled thrills in Boulder

THE 23RD BIG WHEEL RALLY HITS PEARL STREET ON SATURDAY

By CASEY FREEMAN
Colorado Daily Staff

This Saturday, Boulder's Pearl Street Mall will be filled with bikers hooting, hollering and spinning out. They are not leather-covered Harley riders or Spandex-clad Lance Armstrong-wannabes, but superheroes riding plastic Big Wheels.

When the sun sets and the clock strikes 9, adult Big Wheelers will cruise into the West End Tavern at 9th and Pearl Streets to commence the 23rd Almost-Annual Matt Armbruster Memorial Big Wheel Rally.

The first thing these fun-loving fools will do is take the "Big Wheel Rally Inaugural Shot: The Statue of Liberty." What is a "Statue of Liberty," and how do you do one? Captain Obvious (aka Matt Armbruster) has an answer for you, "A Statue of Liberty shot is made up of something that is about 40 percent alcohol. You dip your fingers in the shot, then you light them on fire and hold them over your head." Shot downed, Captain Obvious dons a gold, lame jumpsuit, and makes sure everyone knows, well, the obvious.

About 13 years ago, Obvious' alter ego, mild-mannered CU student Matt Armbruster, was down in the dumps. His study-abroad program in Australia was cancelled, had nowhere to live and nothing to look forward to. Then, after crashing on a friend's couch for a while, he thought, "Why don't I get a bunch of friends together and ride Big Wheels down the Pearl Street Mall!?!?"

Armbruster gathered 15 people and eight Big Wheels to cruise from bar to bar along Pearl Street Mall. And a tradition was born.

Armbruster wants you to know that you can't just go to your Mamma's house, grab your old Big Wheel and start cruising. There are some big time modifications that need to be made first.

The Web site www.BigWheelRally.com offers Handbook for the Uninformed: Virgin's Guide to the Big Wheel Rally. It's like "Big Wheel Maintenance For Dummies."

Here are some helpful hints and tips for making your Big Wheel roadworthy.

First of all, you probably weigh five or six times more than the max of what the standard Big Wheel can handle. There are some basic things you need to do:

• Chop out the middle of the bike and extend the frame to fit you - this way your gargantuan adult legs can actually pedal your ride.
• Put a rubber tire on the front wheel so when you pedal, the tire can grip and move you.
• Duct tape a phone book to the seat for a boost so your butt cheeks don't get road rash.
  . Buy some sort of chain and lock so a jealous drunken miscreant won't rip off your chariot.
• Add bells, whistles, bucket seats, sirens and a ton of lights.

Most Big Wheel breakdowns occur within the first five minutes of the Rally. Your hog needs to be able to survive stunts like leaps from the top step of the West End, head-on collisions, rollovers and notorious "power slides."

A power slide happens when you're cruising as fast as you can, then hit the brakes so the rear wheels lock up and spin out.

Use intelligence and imagination when customizing your Big Wheel.

"People really get into it," says Captain Obvious. "There will be engineers testing new designs and artists showing off their frivolous Big Wheels."

There will be many differ ent styles represented. Notable past custom models have been Doctor Feelgood's ambulance inspired Big Wheel (complete with syringe full of tequila), combat models and generally everything under the sun.

Proper maintenance is key for the survival of you and your Big Wheel. Captain Obvious' ride has been trucking for four years now, and has over 50 miles on it.

Big Wheels can be found at garage sales, thrift stores, dumpsters and some retail stores such as Wal-Mart or Target. Armbruster will be selling them for $35 apiece in the days leading up to the event. Customizing the Big Wheel will cost another $35 to $55.

Don't complain to Captain Obvious if you think that's too much money.

"I guarantee most people have spent more than that on bad dates alone," says Obvious. "But I bet you'll have'a lot more 'no strings attached' fun with us."

If you are boring or just scared, you can still walk along with the cruisers.

"Walkers are welcome," says Obvious. "But you're not going to have nearly as much fun as us."

The crew starts at the West End Tavern, and will work their way east through the Boulder bars. Armbruster is on firstname basis with most of the bar owners in town, so they will know the wild and crazy group is coming.

During the BWR, plenty of Big Wheels have bit the dust, but there has never been a serious injury to a rider. As always, there are some people who try to ruin the fun for others. Sometimes miscreants and ne'er-do-wells will try to pester the riders by sticking legs out in front of them to knock them over.

Even the police have accepted the Big Wheelers. They have received some flak for riding wheeled vehicles down the mall, and the Rally Riders almost went into the slammer 12 years ago.

To be invited to participate, go to the Web site (www.BigWheelRally.com) or call Matt Armbruster at the BWR hotline at (888) 252-6379.

The Rally has survived for 13 years, and Captain Obvious hopes it will survive for another 13. If you ride, you're representing adult Big Wheelers around the nation, so try to (moderately) behave yourself.

So if you are looking for a summer event with great people, the answer is ... Obvious.

Remember, drinking and driving a Big Wheel is not necessarily illegal. But drinking and driving a car is. Please get ataxi, designated driver or ride your Big Wheel home safely.